summerdays

Something I wrote back in 2012. "Life over the last 5 months has been hard. Theres been so many lows i cant even begin to talk about them because i will be here till next year, theres been many tears falling down my cheeks, and i wondered when i'd hit the bottem, when i'd be able to start to look towards the sun" I wrote this beginning draft in January 2012. I was just searching through my blog when i was it and decided that i havnt posted a blog in a while, so Ive decided to give you a brief update on my life. So as you all know last year i went through a pretty rough time with some family members, and i wrote some pretty deep and depressing stuff, when my life was bad. really bad i thought. i had lost half of my family due to nothing and was blamed for everything. i had a pending court procedure to face in the new year against my own mother and i felt noone was there to stick by me. it was a pretty rough time i had to admit, and when i was down and low i felt n...

Sometimes  you just have to write down everything that you have in your head.. So here it goes.. So last weekend was a very bad time for me. I've been going through a lot this last few weeks. Work stress, relationship problems and troubles with friends, so it's been an all round bad time. The negative emotions and suicidal thoughts grow bigger when these kind of things happen in my life and I've managed to cope with them majority of the time over my life sine 2011 but there are times when I feel out of control. And these last few weeks has been one of those times.. Not only have I been crying on a daily basis, been thinking about quitting my job and getting a new one but the suicidal thoughts are back. These are the bitches from hell. These are the cunts that stop me from being myself. I honestly feel sometimes, like I live my life as 2 people. There's the me who laughs and jokes with people when I meet up with them. Putting up social media posts and overall li...

Well well well.. It’s been a while since I’ve visited this place. Has it really been 7 years?! 7 years since I wrote down all these crazy emotions in my head. Wow. Am I doing ok? No I’m not Am I doing any better after all these years? Definitely not Am I starting to understand the hand that life dealt me? Absolutely not. But am I on the road to recovery? 100%.

So everyone has a wishlist, they wish for silly things like to become a princess, to become rich, to be pretty blaa blaa blaa. You know the kind of wishes you say but dont really want, because if you did become a princess life would be boring, wouldnt it? sitting in a castle all day when people run around for you. Well its not MY ideal life.. I use to wish for those kind of things, or wishing to meet jonny depp, OR to be a millionaire, OR to have pretty clothes and nice make-up. The usual pointless wishes that if they came true, i'd still have unhappy days and still argue with people etc. Its not gonna cheer me up or make me a better person. So why do we make these wishlists up? and say 'i wish. blaa blaa blaa' because i honestly dont think we'd want them to come true. is it because we like to live in a fantasy world where we think these things may come true, and so we think of them and picture our lives like it, just because we dont wanna admit that actually life is cr...

Becoming an adult, you can drink alcoholic beverages, you can buy cancer sticks, you can go see the 18 movies at the cinema, you can go on holiday without your parents, you can do alot of things that you cant at the age of 17.. But i dont think its that special, only looking foward to it to get drunk constantly, the actual day means nothing. YOU arnt gonna be there to celebrate with me, you said you were gonna treat me on my 18th, you said we were gonna do things together, you said you couldnt wait for my to be all grown up, the youngest of all us becoming an adult. You couldnt believe it, you're youngest daughter become an adult, it made you feel old, but we laughed about it!  and now.. Now you're not here, now im not gonna receive anything from you, you wont be wishing my a happy birthday, you wont be celebrating it with me, Im not gonna be constantly rubbing it in your face with you.. I supoose ive gotta deal with this!

we use to get on so well, I told you everything, if there was gossip, you'd be the first to know, you were like a bestfriend to me.. you use to shout at me, i use to shout at you.  You brought me presents, i brought you presents. We cried together, We laughed together, We smiled together, We moaned together, We partied together, We shopped together,  Its the way we worked.. We annoyed each other and loved each other at the same time. And now we do nothing together. We don't talk, we don't laugh, we don't smile when thinking of each other. We never even see each other. Its been 4 months now, and we haven't spoken a word, not even a murmur. Not a single sound has been passed from you to me. Yes, it has through other people, but not from one to another. What ever happened to you wanted to fight anything to keep me around? what happened to not letting me get hurt by anyone? what happened to me being your favorite girl? What happened to us, mum?! what ha...