Sometimes you just have to write down everything that you have in your head.. So here it goes..
So last weekend was a very bad time for me. I've been going through a lot this last few weeks. Work stress, relationship problems and troubles with friends, so it's been an all round bad time. The negative emotions and suicidal thoughts grow bigger when these kind of things happen in my life and I've managed to cope with them majority of the time over my life sine 2011 but there are times when I feel out of control.
And these last few weeks has been one of those times..
Not only have I been crying on a daily basis, been thinking about quitting my job and getting a new one but the suicidal thoughts are back. These are the bitches from hell. These are the cunts that stop me from being myself.
I honestly feel sometimes, like I live my life as 2 people.
There's the me who laughs and jokes with people when I meet up with them. Putting up social media posts and overall living a great life.
Then there's the other me, who cries in the shower so no one can hear. Who takes laxatives weekly to feel skinny and popular. Who lays in a dark room staring at a ceiling. Who hears voices saying the worlds not worth it. The world doesn't need me in it.
The second me is a miserable bitch.
Whilst writing this, I feel like i'm both. I'm writing because I'm sad, and I write when I'm sad to make myself feel good again. But sometimes I do wonder who the real me is. I always hope the happy me gets out top and she has, so far. I wonder if the negative me, will ever get her own way?
I hope not.
Anyways, less about that, I was talking about these last few weeks wasn't i?
So life's been pretty crappy as I said. It got to a point where I spoke to my partner and told him I wanted to go back on my antidepressants. Even accepting to go back on them is a huge thing for me and opening up to him about it, is even bigger.
So when I told him, it didn't go down well. He doesn't understand mental health or why I'd need these pills. He said we would work through as a team and that he'll be there for me.
Which he was doing. He was making me smile all the time again, Sex life was on the up for the first time in a long time. We even did a date night 2 nights ago, a first in a very long time. But tonight?
Well tonight its all gone back to how it was. I spent the day with my mum, not always something that I find easy to do as certain rooms in that house just bring back those shitty memories from 7 years ago but I did it. We dyed each others hair and it actually went well, then had to come home as me and my partner were suppose to be going to his sister in laws for dinner. So i left my mums, come home ALONE, waiting for him to get back here. He said the football should finish around 6. So i text him at 6.20 asking when should I get him, which he replied 'he'll let me know' which is fine. So i respond that I don't want a late night as i'm hungry - I hadn't had lunch.
So then what happened? Oh ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! literally like Satan appeared. Apparently he's at his friends in another town and he doesn't know if we're going to go to his sisters in laws. So now it's nearly 7 o'clock with this all going on. There's a huge argument and i'm the bad guy for asking for a time for when we're going out because I didn't want to be on my own at home. Anyways the long and short of it, is... He has a go at me. Doesn't talk to me once he's finally home. I ask where he's been and he doesn't reply.
So now I'm sitting in the bed writing this because I'm unsure whether to cry, go get ice cream or scream at him, whilst he is sitting in the lounge, on his phone which he is literally glued to 24/7 and I'm wondering how my life ended up like this.
The smallest things like this happen and I swear it's a make or break deal for me. I just cannot cope on top of everything for my partner to act like such a child?
Am I being a bitch? Am I over reacting? I don't even know what these emotions are, anymore. I think they've just become who I am on a daily basis. This simple flip out would be fine, if I wasn't going through everything else. It's just the cherry on the cake.
Seriously though... Is this all life has to offer me?
Damn. Maybe negative me is telling the truth.
Fuck it.
So last weekend was a very bad time for me. I've been going through a lot this last few weeks. Work stress, relationship problems and troubles with friends, so it's been an all round bad time. The negative emotions and suicidal thoughts grow bigger when these kind of things happen in my life and I've managed to cope with them majority of the time over my life sine 2011 but there are times when I feel out of control.
And these last few weeks has been one of those times..
Not only have I been crying on a daily basis, been thinking about quitting my job and getting a new one but the suicidal thoughts are back. These are the bitches from hell. These are the cunts that stop me from being myself.
I honestly feel sometimes, like I live my life as 2 people.
There's the me who laughs and jokes with people when I meet up with them. Putting up social media posts and overall living a great life.
Then there's the other me, who cries in the shower so no one can hear. Who takes laxatives weekly to feel skinny and popular. Who lays in a dark room staring at a ceiling. Who hears voices saying the worlds not worth it. The world doesn't need me in it.
The second me is a miserable bitch.
Whilst writing this, I feel like i'm both. I'm writing because I'm sad, and I write when I'm sad to make myself feel good again. But sometimes I do wonder who the real me is. I always hope the happy me gets out top and she has, so far. I wonder if the negative me, will ever get her own way?
I hope not.
Anyways, less about that, I was talking about these last few weeks wasn't i?
So life's been pretty crappy as I said. It got to a point where I spoke to my partner and told him I wanted to go back on my antidepressants. Even accepting to go back on them is a huge thing for me and opening up to him about it, is even bigger.
So when I told him, it didn't go down well. He doesn't understand mental health or why I'd need these pills. He said we would work through as a team and that he'll be there for me.
Which he was doing. He was making me smile all the time again, Sex life was on the up for the first time in a long time. We even did a date night 2 nights ago, a first in a very long time. But tonight?
Well tonight its all gone back to how it was. I spent the day with my mum, not always something that I find easy to do as certain rooms in that house just bring back those shitty memories from 7 years ago but I did it. We dyed each others hair and it actually went well, then had to come home as me and my partner were suppose to be going to his sister in laws for dinner. So i left my mums, come home ALONE, waiting for him to get back here. He said the football should finish around 6. So i text him at 6.20 asking when should I get him, which he replied 'he'll let me know' which is fine. So i respond that I don't want a late night as i'm hungry - I hadn't had lunch.
So then what happened? Oh ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! literally like Satan appeared. Apparently he's at his friends in another town and he doesn't know if we're going to go to his sisters in laws. So now it's nearly 7 o'clock with this all going on. There's a huge argument and i'm the bad guy for asking for a time for when we're going out because I didn't want to be on my own at home. Anyways the long and short of it, is... He has a go at me. Doesn't talk to me once he's finally home. I ask where he's been and he doesn't reply.
So now I'm sitting in the bed writing this because I'm unsure whether to cry, go get ice cream or scream at him, whilst he is sitting in the lounge, on his phone which he is literally glued to 24/7 and I'm wondering how my life ended up like this.
The smallest things like this happen and I swear it's a make or break deal for me. I just cannot cope on top of everything for my partner to act like such a child?
Am I being a bitch? Am I over reacting? I don't even know what these emotions are, anymore. I think they've just become who I am on a daily basis. This simple flip out would be fine, if I wasn't going through everything else. It's just the cherry on the cake.
Seriously though... Is this all life has to offer me?
Damn. Maybe negative me is telling the truth.
Fuck it.
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