summerdays

Questions I wanted to ask my mother back in 2011 Why did u shout at me that morning? Why did u throw me out like i was just a bag of rubbish? Why didn't you chase me and get me to come home? Why did you keep my stuff from me? Why did you threaten to cancel my phone contract etc? Why did you deprive me of my car which i loved? Why didn't/havn't you fought to see me over Christmas or my 18th? How do you feel? Do you ever miss me? Do you even care about B? Do you ever wonder what we're doing? How are the boys? Do they ever ask about me? How does L cope with herself?

Something I wrote back in 2012. "Life over the last 5 months has been hard. Theres been so many lows i cant even begin to talk about them because i will be here till next year, theres been many tears falling down my cheeks, and i wondered when i'd hit the bottem, when i'd be able to start to look towards the sun" I wrote this beginning draft in January 2012. I was just searching through my blog when i was it and decided that i havnt posted a blog in a while, so Ive decided to give you a brief update on my life. So as you all know last year i went through a pretty rough time with some family members, and i wrote some pretty deep and depressing stuff, when my life was bad. really bad i thought. i had lost half of my family due to nothing and was blamed for everything. i had a pending court procedure to face in the new year against my own mother and i felt noone was there to stick by me. it was a pretty rough time i had to admit, and when i was down and low i felt n...

Sometimes  you just have to write down everything that you have in your head.. So here it goes.. So last weekend was a very bad time for me. I've been going through a lot this last few weeks. Work stress, relationship problems and troubles with friends, so it's been an all round bad time. The negative emotions and suicidal thoughts grow bigger when these kind of things happen in my life and I've managed to cope with them majority of the time over my life sine 2011 but there are times when I feel out of control. And these last few weeks has been one of those times.. Not only have I been crying on a daily basis, been thinking about quitting my job and getting a new one but the suicidal thoughts are back. These are the bitches from hell. These are the cunts that stop me from being myself. I honestly feel sometimes, like I live my life as 2 people. There's the me who laughs and jokes with people when I meet up with them. Putting up social media posts and overall li...

Well well well.. It’s been a while since I’ve visited this place. Has it really been 7 years?! 7 years since I wrote down all these crazy emotions in my head. Wow. Am I doing ok? No I’m not Am I doing any better after all these years? Definitely not Am I starting to understand the hand that life dealt me? Absolutely not. But am I on the road to recovery? 100%.